Future Days
I'd surely lose myself
Everything I have found dear
Try and sometimes you'll succeed
To make this man of me
All my stolen missing parts
I've no need for any more
I have a messy and painful history with romantic love.
I've been on both sides of unrequited love. I've seen abuse disguised as love. I've seen love that died before I was able to recognize it was dying. At some points, it's been so bad that I convinced myself that I was undeserving of being genuinely loved. Even my last partner stopped just short of saying she had settled for me.
Which made the fact that I was falling for Christine slightly terrifying. And that Saturday night, even while I was in Anaheim rocking out to Fitz and the Tantrums at a drive-in concert, that thought lingered a bit in my head. But luckily I was still able to enjoy the show, and I went with a dear friend who gave me some good advice. She reminded me that it's okay to be protective of myself, but at the same time, it's also okay to take a chance on something wonderful.
Wonderful. A word that barely scratched the surface of that second date with Christine. A day, night, and day that gave me a reminder of what a relationship is supposed to be. Of what can be.
Yes, I was scared of my past repeating itself. But I was also hopeful for the future. Because there were moments all throughout when I could see that future--a future with Christine. So fear be damned. I want to follow this road wherever it goes, with her riding shotgun. Driving home that night, I committed myself to that road.
We talked the next day about doing something for Labor Day, trying to beat the heat. Missing each other. Christine texted "I'm so tempted to come sleep over with you tonight," and I simply replied "What's holding you up?" She didn't make it until deep into the night, but I didn't care--I'm crazy about her and she's back in my arms. We watch more Brooklyn Nine-Nine, we cuddle, we get ready for bed, and then...
"Mhm?"
"I love you."
Holy shit, it's not just me.
Before she could get out another word, before she could say it was okay for me to not say anything, I stopped her.
"Any other time or situation, I would’ve freaked out for a few minutes. But not this time. I can’t believe this has happened so fast, but it’s happened. It’s happening. And I know it’s real. I love you too, Christine."
I could see her smiling. A smile of joy, of relief. We hugged, kissed, cried the happiest tears we've shed in far too long.
Labor Day the next day. Christine and I head off to Malibu to finally shoot the sunset, enhanced by smoke from the wildfires wreaking havoc on California. We're both grinning, glowing. Saying those three magical words to each other to keep provoking the smiles. And when we make it back, there's a song on my mind. We cuddle on my bed, and I ask Alexa to play it. A Pearl Jam song that's been running through my head all day.
I've meant them like the rest
All the demons used to come 'round
I'm grateful now they've left
So persistent in my ways
Hey angel, I am here to stay
No resistance, no alarms
Please this is just too good to be gone
She's wrapped in my arms, crying. "Happy tears," she tells me with a smile. She believes too.
Our future days
Days of you and me
You and me
Days...you and me...
—"Future Days," written by Eddie Vedder, performed by Pearl Jam
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